"The Thing About Love" and justificaton

I believe it was two weekends ago that my roommates and I went to the BYU Contemporary Dance team's performance of "The Thing About Love." It was a great performance, and had more emotional pull than I had previously imagined. I'm not sure what I was expecting completely from the start-- part of me thought and secretly hoped it would be romantic notions throughout, and I'd come from it as if I just watched a chick flick. Yes, there would be some sense of loss, but true love would win out in the end. Another part of me was apprehensive to the possibility of feeling a sense of longing-- knowing that I had felt that loss, but I have not obtained, as of yet, that climax resolution of finding someone for me.

Now, by this point, some of you might be thinking, "Oh great, this is a post about another lonely single at BYU," but stay with me. Watching this performance led me down a completely set of thoughts, despite Valentine's Day on the horizon. While some of the performances didn't give me a sense of connection and understanding of the dancers, many of the performances did. There were performances of puppy love, but the most powerful ones for me were ones about the complicated emotions that come with love. One that particularly affected me was one that, to me, symbolized an abusive relationship. This was unlike the previous encounters where flirting was not received well because feelings were not mutual. This was one where a couple danced together, but in their repeated movements and idiosyncrasies there arose a roughness as the girl tried to have a firmer connection with her partner. He would brush off her hand forcefully from his back, and as the dance and song progressed, it was apparent that she would reach and out and he would ignore. He would redeem himself for brief moments of closeness, winning back her heart, and quickly return to his habits of rough or emotionally disconnected behavior. Near the end, in the girl's sense of pleading gently by poking his shoulder, then insistently, he was emotionally silent, and finally redeemed himself again, briefly. She finally decided she had enough, and broke away from the relationship as he tried to use his sway on her emotions. 

I guess this was so powerful to me because, in a sense, many of us have a tendency to let this happen. Abuse is not simply defined as not getting hurt physically. It has much to do with emotions. Someone doesn't have to be yelling at you for this to happen, either. Someone can become emotionally disconnected from you and from the world gradually, until it isn't just a few small instances but a pattern of apathy. Sometimes this happens because the person places something that is more important in their lives than everything else, and sometimes they might have real problems that they are having a hard time dealing with. I know I will make excuses for others' behavior, saying to myself, "Oh, I'm sure they're just going through a hard time. They care for me, and I know this cannot possibly be the real them, so I know that things will change for the better if I'm just patient." I say this over and over again, encouraged by the small redemptions made, until I realize that they are no longer anything like what God wants for me in my life, and what He feels like I should accept. I've been so willing to please and lacked criticism so much that I let them become someone who they themselves probably don't want to be. I'll say, "Don't worry about it." I'll justify to them, "It's no big deal, it's kind of funny [that you have that 'idiosyncrasy'], actually." This is not helpful. I'm not saying we shouldn't be charitable or kind. On the contrary, sometimes the most charitable thing to do is to not allow this. You can be kind and supportive while letting the person know that their behavior is unacceptable and you do not like it (including not justifying the action in your mind.) I just took the READY questionnaire (see http://www.relate-institute.org/) for my SFL Marriage Prep class, and the results back this up. Confidence and openness are components of your emotional readiness score. 

In short, I have new goals to work on both confidence and openness. As I work on that now, hopefully I'll be more ready the next prince charming that comes my way. After all, every prince has their imperfections, and finding one that can work with you and God to lift each other up is a priceless quest.